Journal Entries

Trouble: Criminal Blessings, Punishable by Murphy’s Law

 , , , , , , , , , , , 0

The problem with people in trouble is that trouble breeds trouble. For one thing, As soon as you are in trouble it indicates there is an authority to be in trouble with. Often times that authority is Johnny Law. But why? And what effect does this have on the collective? The connected consciousness that we are.

It would seem like I was taking risks, but in truth, I’ve never done anything I didn’t know I would be successful doing. This has been a time of doing things I know are going to fail. I certainly feel well-traveled now!

Up until I came out on this limb, everything seems to have just come to me. Sure, my early years, being robbed of any sense of normalcy by being literally abandoned by my mother to the state of Pennsylvania were really fucking hard. But after that, as I had often predicted, everything I did worked out alright. I had different expectations then too. So it might be unfair to compare then and now.

 Fair or not, I’m going to do that right now anyway.

I definitely can be pretty readily taken advantage of, and I’m sure some people have enjoyed that. I would never stand for such a thing before. Before what, exactly? Well, …it’s a long story…perhaps another time.

It’s not that I’m excessively gullible; it’s that I probably didn’t notice. I wasn’t paying attention.  When my gut tells me, I feel it, but  I’m still not certain, so I’m dipping a toe in the water to test it, and while I seem distracted, perhaps someone gets something they want from me without me noticing.

And when I do notice, in almost any case, I can understand how or why. I understand the taker’s motivation.

I understand that I too could possibly behave similarly if under similar burden or pressure or circumstance; never mind how much my ego wants to deny that; think itself separate.

After 18, everything worked out swimmingly. Sure, I was married and quickly divorced by 24; but that was perfect for me. Sure, my mother could have taken a few parenting classes and I could have gone home; but she didn’t. Even more perfect for my experience on this planet!

That’s how I have chosen to feel about most things, good or bad: “That is just perfect for my experience! Now I’ll know even more about what it means to be human! Fantastic!”

This could be one explanation for why I’m laughing and can’t explain what is so funny. But… This sense of gratitude or acceptance, whatever you call it, comes with a side serving of guilt.  Knowing how much easier the pains of life are endured when one covets a deeper understanding above all else, I would feel guilty knowing that not everyone had been blessed with this same understanding.

And this sense of guilt would lead to a lot of anxiety, and anxiety manifests in some pretty interesting and unexpected ways.

I felt that I couldn’t possibly be blessed without my blessing also cursing me. I began to believe that if I ever told anyone how fortunate I felt for my own gifts, or let on that I felt blessed with any innate talent; some terrible fate would come to pass, and I would be forced to eat my words or prove myself. Prove my gratitude, even when faced with my worst fears. I would find myself in the worst of circumstances, under the worst possible conditions, which would only cease when I was genuinely grateful for the experience!   I would be required to suffer my greatest fear and be genuinely grateful for it if I didn’t just cool it, and stop appreciating myself and my gifts so much!

I learned long ago, the easiest way to stay happy is to adjust your expectations.

So, yes, I’ll learn to be happy with what I have, even as you take what you need.

Explorations, In Spirit

Shadow Work Journal – Colorful Pants

 , , , , , 0

Shadow Work Journal Notes

Shadow Work Journal – Colorful Pants – Excerpt w/ Audio

Yeah, but how do you really feel about your experience?

It’s funny how some men seem to think that it’s a secret, and by telling us that guys want to fuck, they are really schooling us ladies on what’s up. My father was the first human of the male persuasion to let me in on this “oh so well kept” secret. Guys just want to fuck. Ok…fine. Guys must have other things they want in addition to fucking me, or Every Any Girl. There are probably men who actually have fucked every girl already.  Maybe we should talk to them, see what else they want. I suppose on a base level, every man wants to fuck as much as possible.

I often wonder about people’s sexual nature. Like, what is it that they enjoy about sex? I know that making out with one person is very different than making out with another person, or several persons. I don’t feel any pressure to act upon a passing curiosity, but I will definitely think about it later if it seems interesting. Mostly, if I find myself engaged sexually with another human, I want to make them feel good. I want them to experience pleasure, but not just at the physical level. I want any partner to have fun.

Having fun isn’t always easy; there is a lot of potential awkwardness to contend with.  In my view, awkwardness is, and should always be, part of any fun, including sexual fun. Incidentally, we should be careful about taking on labels based on our sexuality; which is fluid and not necessarily attached to us permanently. Whatever your sexual identity, persona, flavor; it is a thing to be explored. It’s your job to explore various aspects of your being. Sexuality is but one aspect to be explored. I say explored as though there is ever a stopping point. There is not. One should hesitate, and find something else to say if ever one has the thought that they have fully “explored” anything. We are exploring. Continually. Infinitely.

In reviewing some videos from my brief exploration with live camming, I was shocked to discover some things about myself that I had previously been unaware of. There is a lot of time to kill when you are just waiting for someone to chat you up. And the whole time, you know that there’s this parade of dudes that you can’t see, just checking you out.  What could be more awkward?

Add to that the fact that you can never know for sure who you are talking to. Hopefully, it’s a stranger, but maybe it’s your professor, your former boss, your dad! You really don’t and can’t know.  Most cam sites offer geo blocking, but there are plenty of workarounds for getting past that. So you know that if someone local is checking you out, or worse, interacting with you as someone else, they had to jump through at least one extra hoop to do it. Dammit. Or, maybe nobody even cares enough to make the effort.  It could go either way and anywhere in between. It’s good to reflect on this humbling idea but never dwell. Never dwell on any of this, or make it personal.

I was surprised to discover how super flirty I was. I probably just get super flirty when I’m nervous. Oh My God…do I do that all the time?? See. right now I could go make a list of all the times I felt nervous in a situation where flirtation would be completely inappropriate, and then realize how many times I should have felt embarrassed, but didn’t. And I could feel the embarrassment of each of those moments now. But why create that? It’s a thought, it’s not a memory. Don’t make it one. Never make a memory out of a passing negative thought. An imagined possibility can teach us something without having to do time actually living through it. But we miss the gift of the imagined possibility when we make it a reality by our persistence of thought, or rumination.

I’ll be aware now, and be sure to observe myself next time I am in a situation where I am nervous, and check to see if I’m flirting or coming off like I am. I’ll note what specifically I’m doing, or not doing, and then I’ll have a better understanding.

There’s no need to be alarmed by our previously undiscovered selves, or shadow aspects. It’s just that we are no longer totally in the dark anymore. Now we see our shadows. We just didn’t know about them until there was light. We had no idea there was anyone else there at all. But now, we are presented with this dark figure. We must explore this individual. It may be the answer to the whisper in your ear, or you may learn finally where the screaming under your skin is coming from. 

In addition to wanting my sexual partner to have fun, and experience all that fun suggests, I want them to remember me. When I pull up an image of myself wanting to be remembered there are several possibilities: One possibility is that I could manifest a needy persona and demand a person’s time and attention to the extent that they never have an opportunity to forget about me. But that seems obnoxious and not something I would ever do. Or is it? Have I ever been at all like that? Yes, probably. But let’s not make it a memory, right?

Let’s just understand the place we were at the time, and what led us to need to act in such away. And if we don’t like it, then we do whatever needs to be done to ensure those conditions are not our reality moving forward. In my case, I just don’t have the kind of time required to continually demand anyone else’s attention. Actually, I have it, I just don’t want to share that much of my time. I want to be remembered, and I want to achieve that end as quickly as possible.

Since, I’ll never be able to collect accurate data on who still remembers me and why, this isn’t a goal I can measure, and I wouldn’t want to spend my time doing so anyway. It’s enough to reflect on this part of myself that wants to be remembered and positively remembered, if possible; an unforgettable bright spot. I don’t like to admit that this part of me exists, because I view this part of me as needy, and attention-seeking, and most of all, bound to get hurt.

While I don’t cling to her, she should be acknowledged. In fact, if I don’t acknowledge her, she will continuously demand my attention, and probably passive-aggressively. But if I let her know that I see her and understand. and will remember her, she will quiet down and relax a bit. And that’s a very good thing because I have to live with her. Now we can have some fun!!

I’ve decided that, whatever guys actually want besides, or in addition to sex, I’m going to give them colorful pants. Because that is what I want them to have. One thing, anyway.