Trouble: Criminal Blessings, Punishable by Murphy’s Law

The problem with people in trouble is that trouble breeds trouble. For one thing, As soon as you are in trouble it indicates there is an authority to be in trouble with. Often times that authority is Johnny Law. But why? And what effect does this have on the collective? The connected consciousness that we are.

It would seem like I was taking risks, but in truth, I’ve never done anything I didn’t know I would be successful doing. This has been a time of doing things I know are going to fail. I certainly feel well-traveled now!

Up until I came out on this limb, everything seems to have just come to me. Sure, my early years, being robbed of any sense of normalcy by being literally abandoned by my mother to the state of Pennsylvania were really fucking hard. But after that, as I had often predicted, everything I did worked out alright. I had different expectations then too. So it might be unfair to compare then and now.

 Fair or not, I’m going to do that right now anyway.

I definitely can be pretty readily taken advantage of, and I’m sure some people have enjoyed that. I would never stand for such a thing before. Before what, exactly? Well, …it’s a long story…perhaps another time.

It’s not that I’m excessively gullible; it’s that I probably didn’t notice. I wasn’t paying attention.  When my gut tells me, I feel it, but  I’m still not certain, so I’m dipping a toe in the water to test it, and while I seem distracted, perhaps someone gets something they want from me without me noticing.

And when I do notice, in almost any case, I can understand how or why. I understand the taker’s motivation.

I understand that I too could possibly behave similarly if under similar burden or pressure or circumstance; never mind how much my ego wants to deny that; think itself separate.

After 18, everything worked out swimmingly. Sure, I was married and quickly divorced by 24; but that was perfect for me. Sure, my mother could have taken a few parenting classes and I could have gone home; but she didn’t. Even more perfect for my experience on this planet!

That’s how I have chosen to feel about most things, good or bad: “That is just perfect for my experience! Now I’ll know even more about what it means to be human! Fantastic!”

This could be one explanation for why I’m laughing and can’t explain what is so funny. But… This sense of gratitude or acceptance, whatever you call it, comes with a side serving of guilt.  Knowing how much easier the pains of life are endured when one covets a deeper understanding above all else, I would feel guilty knowing that not everyone had been blessed with this same understanding.

And this sense of guilt would lead to a lot of anxiety, and anxiety manifests in some pretty interesting and unexpected ways.

I felt that I couldn’t possibly be blessed without my blessing also cursing me. I began to believe that if I ever told anyone how fortunate I felt for my own gifts, or let on that I felt blessed with any innate talent; some terrible fate would come to pass, and I would be forced to eat my words or prove myself. Prove my gratitude, even when faced with my worst fears. I would find myself in the worst of circumstances, under the worst possible conditions, which would only cease when I was genuinely grateful for the experience!   I would be required to suffer my greatest fear and be genuinely grateful for it if I didn’t just cool it, and stop appreciating myself and my gifts so much!

I learned long ago, the easiest way to stay happy is to adjust your expectations.

So, yes, I’ll learn to be happy with what I have, even as you take what you need.

Musings About Love, Delusions, and Aliens, of course.

From a notebook on my shelf as usual

Musings on various topics, pretty random really.

Musings About Being Unable to Understand Love

There are lots of foster kids not graduating from school, not getting good jobs, and going to jail, etc. But nobody talks about the less obvious problems, the hidden damage. Since I am in a position, having an education and a good job, to talk about the more hidden damage that experience of abandonment can cause, I feel I have to. The ways and degrees in which childhood trauma affects a person’s ability to maintain close relationships are pretty astounding, and now that I’ve become aware of it, I want you to be aware of it too. Maybe just so I can feel less alone in it.

1. Cannot trust that others love you. The problem is that you don’t actually know this is a problem. You don’t even know that you don’t trust anyone. Because it’s all you know. you don’t figure it out until someone really loves you and you try to love them back and realize you can’t. Because you fear it. You look love in the face and fear it. It is alien and unreal.
I only recognized this as an issue when a close friend asked me incredulously why I’m so surprised that she loves me. And so I asked myself and. in my reflection began to see that the current troubles I was having with my romantic partner were very much related to this perspective of myself as unworthy or unloveable. Again, you can’t be aware of this problem until you are aware of it. Until you see it in action. You don’t go around thinking to yourself “I’m unworthy and unloveable” you don’t even think it. But when someone tries to love you you don’t understand it and you will push them away. For example, someone will offer to run errands for you just because they know you don’t want to do it, and you’ll always think they have some ulterior motive. You won’t be able to understand why someone would do something purely because they know it makes you happy. (Debates about the existence of pure altruism aside) the best way that I am finding to counteract this belief is to do things for others just because it makes them happy. The only way to prove that love exists is to do love to another.

If I should spend my life learning what kind of party I want to have, is that really so bad?

Nobody has a stake in you. Really doesn’t matter if you disappear. Nobody is responsible for you. Hard to ask for help later in life. Very hard to receive love.

It can seem like paranoia to anyone else.

Musings About Job Search Workshop Curriculum


There’s a lot of value in the self-awareness piece actually and I think job seekers would be more interested in our classes if we had something that really addressed this. Unemployment first throws a person into a “who am I”? situation. “What am I doing with my life?” There are people who want to explore this question and those who need to. I think we need to start treating our workshops as though they are for people who WANT to be there. Nobody wants to be unemployed, but people do want to learn about themselves and discover their strengths and I think we should focus on that. We tap into an intrinsic motivation that allows our job seekers to feel confident as they move through the more obviously applied steps of creating the resume. Applying to jobs. Going back to school.

Look at the participant list
Stay curious

Describe me. Cute.

Three themes of your life.


Reviewing curriculum today and it…


Gahhhh soooo good; I started to imagine successfully implementing it at all of our centers, and became quite aroused! Is anyone else turned on by their work?

Imagine as a guy you wouldn’t want to get too know much better. But you did anyway. And you couldn’t get to know anyone better. There was no one you could ever get to know better.

This curriculum it assumes the stays quo. But really. It’s actually empowering

Game where we wrote our assumptions about what others want. Motivations. Then see how they compare. No idea how it will turn out but am game to find out.

Flippant. Flippancy is only my initial reaction. My flippancy is born of just really knowing that all this will work out.

Cute
Flippant


About Delusions


What would people say about you when you die? Recently acquaintances have lost loved ones and I hear the ensuing discussions. I have been discussing myself. And I wonder what conversations people will have about me. And how far into the future after my death will my name come up? Not much or long I bet, which is funny because I was once convinced that aliens would find my work and talk about it for generations. And cite my writings which are to me ,an accurate description of how humans in general are. I’ve been lots of different humans, and I can tell you about all of us.

Even if I’m deluding myself that’s just as fine. It’s the same. I’m still privy to the human experience of self-delusion then, right?. Which we all certainly “suffer” from. My delusion is a real human experience. My delusion that My ideas would be discussed among newly terrestrial sand interstellar scholars; 39th-century beatniks. What a wonderful delusion to have!  Why shame myself for my delusions?

So much to be confused about. Commodities. Don’t knows what your planet is like but I bet it’s not run on an economic system that hurts the public being. Otherwise, you would not be here Listening to me. When everything is a commodity certain death is imminent. Death of. spirit. But you already know this.


Advice

Managing emotions in the face of disappointment. Good job, kid. It’s one of the best skills you can develop. Also, keep trying. You never know what you don’t know so be open to ideas from others. Develop an attitude of curiosity It will save you from anxiety, agoraphobia, and irritability. Take your goals seriously but also chill. Stay in the now.