The problem with people in trouble is that trouble breeds trouble. For one thing, As soon as you are in trouble it indicates there is an authority to be in trouble with. Often times that authority is Johnny Law. But why? And what effect does this have on the collective? The connected consciousness that we are.
It would seem like I was taking risks, but in truth, I’ve never done anything I didn’t know I would be successful doing. This has been a time of doing things I know are going to fail. I certainly feel well-traveled now!
Up until I came out on this limb, everything seems to have just come to me. Sure, my early years, being robbed of any sense of normalcy by being literally abandoned by my mother to the state of Pennsylvania were really fucking hard. But after that, as I had often predicted, everything I did worked out alright. I had different expectations then too. So it might be unfair to compare then and now.
Fair or not, I’m going to do that right now anyway.
I definitely can be pretty readily taken advantage of, and I’m sure some people have enjoyed that. I would never stand for such a thing before. Before what, exactly? Well, …it’s a long story…perhaps another time.
It’s not that I’m excessively gullible; it’s that I probably didn’t notice. I wasn’t paying attention. When my gut tells me, I feel it, but I’m still not certain, so I’m dipping a toe in the water to test it, and while I seem distracted, perhaps someone gets something they want from me without me noticing.
And when I do notice, in almost any case, I can understand how or why. I understand the taker’s motivation.
I understand that I too could possibly behave similarly if under similar burden or pressure or circumstance; never mind how much my ego wants to deny that; think itself separate.
After 18, everything worked out swimmingly. Sure, I was married and quickly divorced by 24; but that was perfect for me. Sure, my mother could have taken a few parenting classes and I could have gone home; but she didn’t. Even more perfect for my experience on this planet!
That’s how I have chosen to feel about most things, good or bad: “That is just perfect for my experience! Now I’ll know even more about what it means to be human! Fantastic!”
This could be one explanation for why I’m laughing and can’t explain what is so funny. But… This sense of gratitude or acceptance, whatever you call it, comes with a side serving of guilt. Knowing how much easier the pains of life are endured when one covets a deeper understanding above all else, I would feel guilty knowing that not everyone had been blessed with this same understanding.
And this sense of guilt would lead to a lot of anxiety, and anxiety manifests in some pretty interesting and unexpected ways.
I felt that I couldn’t possibly be blessed without my blessing also cursing me. I began to believe that if I ever told anyone how fortunate I felt for my own gifts, or let on that I felt blessed with any innate talent; some terrible fate would come to pass, and I would be forced to eat my words or prove myself. Prove my gratitude, even when faced with my worst fears. I would find myself in the worst of circumstances, under the worst possible conditions, which would only cease when I was genuinely grateful for the experience! I would be required to suffer my greatest fear and be genuinely grateful for it if I didn’t just cool it, and stop appreciating myself and my gifts so much!
I learned long ago, the easiest way to stay happy is to adjust your expectations.
So, yes, I’ll learn to be happy with what I have, even as you take what you need.
