Dear Diary (an interesting name you have!), It just so happens, that synchronicities DO have meaning. And also, I ran across this little notebook that I had been writing in since back in 2003, and from the looks of it, through 2011 or so. I tend to find my notes interspersed across several notebooks. It’s not as though I was ever writing in one notebook at any time. I’m jotting things down in whichever place is handiest.
Here, in this excerpt from my “dear diary” of 2003, I recount the story you read in my last entry “A Simple Plan for Simple Girls”. It’s shorter and handwritten, but …it has more punch than later drafts, which I wrote in 2009, 10 and 11, during which I gradually feel the need to explain and clarify, over time.
Overexplaining is a or has been an issue for me, at least until I became aware of it. Since I see it, since I have clearly witnessed my own need to over-explain, I realize how it could make other’s feel like I think they are stupid. It’s not that I think that. I don’ t over-explain because I think people are stupid or otherwise lacking. I’m just not surprised when friends and partygoers seem confused or maxed out by it, me..my ideas. I don’t expect anyone to understand me. and so it seems so pointless to even try sometimes, and I don’t conceal even a tiny bit of exasperation well. I manage it well, but you’ll still see it, My face has a life of its own.
I might consider a shift in perspective. Rather than feeling annoyed at having to explain myself , I ought to feel grateful that you are interested enough to notice I’m even talking to you. And I do, but I also feel the pressure. And since I expect my brash, stuttering, unreasonable thoughts will be inadequate to give you the full picture, I prefer to grapple through the meaning of my experience alone, in conversation with one or more of my selves. We temper some of the embellishments, and enliven the truth here and there, so you can grok the substance of my meaning. I fashion a post, such as this one, to convey the experience I’d like to share with you. And when finished, I feel understood! And we never had to do awkward introductions!
I’m just going to have to settle on the reality that both my initial handwriting and my later construction of the story have their value. It is finding the balance and utilizing the best parts of each. There’s no need to force things to fit into “this story” . I have stacks of notes like this, so really, I need to be moving forward pretty quick here. So here ya have it. Dear Diary…