March 17, 2017
I’ve been six months with no steady income. If you had asked me six months ago, if I would still be without income today, I would have never thought so. I also wouldn’t have thought I would be feeling this alive and awake and real. Here’s yesterday’s breakthrough:
Get ready…it’s a doozy…
One part if it is that I realized how much time I spent alone as a kid. The Doors were right, music was my only friend. The songwriters, artists, and musicians of radio and MTV were and are all exactly right about life. Songs can tell you the future. That is one reason why I always have the sense that things are on track. Things are happening just like they sing about in songs. Songs are a tapestry of life. Songwriters are philosophers with guitars…and a backbeat. Concrete Blonde gave me a heads up, so when the creature comes to pick me apart, it’s expected and I can just relax. If I were a person from the future, and I needed to get a message out to everyone on the planet, one of the most efficient ways to do that would probably be to insert my message into whatever the top hits of the day are.
The only other person I’m interested in having a live-in relationship with right now is my son. It’s way more fun now that it is a shared experience and I’m really in my element with it. We’ve finally hit a big milestone there, I feel joy and gratitude that I made it through what was a really tough part of parenting. The part where I’m experiencing life and also he needs something; everything. I know, be sweet, he’s a baby. There were times when it was hard to get myself dressed, and he’s learned quickly as a result of my inability to be entirely available. Well, I was available to offer instruction, mom’s top tips getting pants right, and to provide motivation by explaining that nothing else could happen until his pants were on, that type of thing.
It’s like I’m going to have to get down to zero in order for any money to come in. Why would I think that way? Why does just getting money in mean that I am working for someone? I’m always working for money. Or am I? I don’t need any of this…what I have. I know this because I didn’t’ have it before. No house, no car, none of the trappings. It seems I haven’t been very emotionally available to people. I feel much better now being able to put energy into my relationships, which is mostly what I think about when I’m thinking.
There was a time, not too long ago, when I would have said that I never questioned where ..no… I always knew that where I was, was exactly the right place for me. Even when it was challenging, I never felt like my world had crumbled. Or, if my world had crumbled, at least I never crumbled. I knew where I was going, and I knew what to do because I knew there were particular things I wanted to accomplish. And I accomplished them. Ideas and inspirations would come one after another, always in perfect step with what I felt was the path to my best self.
Now, for the first time in my life, I have no idea what I really want. I don’t feel any burning conviction over any particular thing. Except writing…well. Yes, I do. I do feel conviction about making this blog. And managing these sites like a fucking pro.
I am going to make the best use of all of it. That’s always what I want to do: Work well with what I have to achieve what I want to achieve. So I guess the real question for me is How do I do that? Obviously I have to do that in a way I am comfortable with or I won’t do it. What are my options? I’m going to look at all of this and reconsider, with fresh eyes now, exactly what I am working with in terms of continuing the journey I am already on, but with less angst about no longer being who I have been.